How to Lose Fifteen Pounds in Three Years

My ex-es are in trouble.

The first one told me this morning that he had just broken up with his girlfriend of several years. The second one told me tonight that he had just survived being hit by a motorcycle with his lips receiving four stitches.

I knew my ex-es for so long I felt like I had committed some form of incestual relationship with them in the past. I noticed also that as soon as I started seeing them, they'd start losing weight so instead of them being the muscular hunks I long to be with, I ended up with lanky pretty boys looking good in tight pink t-shirts and really low slung jeans.

In fact, I have coerced both of them into wearing tight body hugging t-shirts just so I could ogle at them at all time and having their arses admired by the gays at the same time. The weirder thing was that after I stopped seeing them, their weight continued to spiral down so much so that when I saw them again I started counting their ribs and wondered if my seed-eating habit had created such an impact on them.

I converted my first ex from a tartare steak-eating hot blooded Italian into a macrobiotic tofu-eating herbivore buddhist. I converted my second ex from loose baggy rock t-shirts aficionado into body-hugging knits erect nipples show-off. I think I did a good job. They came out of the relationship better citizens of this world.

When my ex-es are in trouble they often lament the good old days when they still had me. They forgot that I used to make them my punching-practice bag and that I would often force them to wake up at 2 am to talk about nietzsche and calvin and hobbes. They forgot that I would force them to listen to my singing since no one else was willing to. They forgot that I used to force them to let me pluck their eyebrows on their birthdays and would shove a handkerchief into their mouth as they cried in pain while I tweezed their facial hairs without mercy shouting at them to not be some sissy and to take it like a man.